what did people with recurrent miscarriages do to have a successful pregnancy

I stepped out of Oxford Circus tube into mid-morning crowds and cold, bright sunshine. The consultant'due south words were still ringing in my ears. "Nil." How could the reply be nothing? This was January 2018, six months since my third miscarriage, a symptomless, rather pragmatic affair, diagnosed at an early on browse. The previous November, I'd undergone a series of investigations into possible reasons why I'd lost this baby and the two before it.

That morning, nosotros had gone to discuss the results at the specialist NHS dispensary nosotros'd been referred to after officially joining the one in 100 couples who lose three or more pregnancies. I had barely removed my coat before the dr. started rattling off the things I had tested negative for: antiphospholipid antibodies, lupus anticoagulant, Factor V Leiden, prothrombin cistron mutation.

"I know it doesn't feel like it, but this is good news," he said, while the hopeful part of me crumpled. Nosotros were not going to become a magic wand, a cure, a different-coloured pill to try next time.

Now, my husband, Dan, was back at work and, for reasons I can't really explicate, I had decided to take myself shopping rather than go home after the engagement. I stood staring downward the apartment, grey frontages of Topshop and NikeTown and willed my anxiety to unstick themselves from the pavement.

I ended up wandering the beauty hall of 1 of London's more famous department stores. I allow myself exist persuaded to try a new facial, which uses "medical-grade lasers" to evaporate pollution and expressionless pare cells from pores to "rejuvenate" and "transform" your complexion. Upstairs in the handling room, the course I was handed asked if I'd had any surgery in the past year. I wrote in tight, cramped letters that 6 months ago I had an performance to remove the remains of a pregnancy, under full general anaesthetic. When I handed the clipboard dorsum to the beautician, she didn't mention it. I wished that she would.

As I lay back and felt the hot ping of the light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation dotting across my forehead, I thought how ridiculous this all was; that this light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation-facial is something humans have figured out how to do. How has someone, somewhere, in a lab or the boardroom of a cosmetics conglomerate, conceived of this – a solution to a problem that barely exists – and yet no ane can tell me why I tin't carry a babe?

At that place is no doctor who can reverse a miscarriage. By and large, co-ordinate to medical literature, one time one starts, it cannot be prevented. When I read these words for the first time, 3 years ago, after Googling "bleeding in early pregnancy", a few days before what should have been our 12-calendar week browse, I felt cheated. Cheated, because when y'all're significant you are bombarded with instructions that are supposed to foreclose this very thing. No soft cheese for you. No drinking, either. Don't fume, limit your caffeine intake, no cleaning out the true cat'south litter tray. I had causeless, naively, that this meant we knew how to forbid miscarriage these days, that we understood why it happened and what acquired information technology; that it could be avoided if you followed the rules.

Yous learn very quickly that the truth is more than complicated. After a miscarriage, no medic asks you lot how much coffee you drank or if you lot accidentally ate any nether-cooked meat. Instead you lot observe that miscarriage is judged to exist largely unavoidable. An estimated i in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, with the bulk occurring before the 12-calendar week mark. Lxx-one per cent of people who lose a pregnancy aren't given a reason, according to a 2019 survey by the baby charity Tommy'southward. You lot are told – repeatedly – that it'due south "simply bad luck", "just one of those things", "merely nature'southward manner".

But, just, just. A fatalistic shrug of a discussion. But this is non the whole story. "There is this myth out there that every miscarriage that occurs is because in that location's some profound problem with the pregnancy, that in that location's nothing that can be done," says Arri Coomarasamy, a professor of gynaecology and reproductive medicine, and director of the UK's National Centre for Miscarriage Research, which was set by Tommy's in 2016. "Scientific discipline is trying to unpick that myth."

Unfortunately, the roots of this myth run deep. It'south an idea reinforced by the social convention that you lot shouldn't reveal a pregnancy until after 12 weeks, one time the highest take a chance of miscarriage has passed. Information technology goes unchallenged thanks to age-quondam squeamishness and shame effectually women's bodies, and our collective ineloquence on matters of grief. The bloody, untimely terminate of a pregnancy sits at the centre of a perfect Venn diagram of things that brand the states uncomfortable: sex, death and periods.

An impression persists that, while unfortunate, miscarriages are soon forgotten once another babe arrives – that you'll go there eventually. Information technology's true that the bulk of people who have a miscarriage volition go on to take a successful pregnancy when they next conceive (virtually 80%, one written report carried out in the 1980s constitute). Fifty-fifty among couples who have had 3 miscarriages in a row, for more than half, the next pregnancy volition be successful. Accordingly, the prevailing logic seems to be that not merely is miscarriage something that cannot be fixed – it doesn't need to exist stock-still. At that place is footling research or funding for trials, and simply glancing attending from the healthcare organization. What is not being heard, in all this, is that miscarriage matters.


T hither is a magical feeling that comes on after a miscarriage, I have found. A semi-delusional land that lasts for days, sometimes weeks, afterwards. After each ane of mine (and at that place take been four now), I've defenseless myself believing I am still pregnant, despite all evidence to the contrary – the trips to A&Eastward, the blood, the however ultrasounds, the forms labelled "sensitive disposal of pregnancy remains".

bubbles spot illustration
Illustration: Harriet Lee-Merrion

It starts in the mornings. For a moment, stuck somewhere between sleeping and waking, I won't have remembered, and, briefly, I'thou still happy. Pregnant. When the phone rings, for a carve up second I'll imagine it is the hospital calling to tell me there has been a mistake. A mix-up. They've got the results: I am, in fact, still pregnant. Or my husband will say, casually, over dinner, "Oh do you want to hear some adept news?" and I'll call up: he's going to tell me I'thou pregnant.

Information technology is the shock, I remind myself, the trauma: it leads to disbelief. Like feeling that the loved one who has died is almost to walk through the front door whatever minute and sit in their favourite chair. This inability to have reality seems logical to me – inevitable, even – when there is no explanation for what has happened. The brain wants to solve problems, to make meaning.

At that place are very few specialist miscarriage clinics in the UK. Some people end up being seen by a general gynaecologist or sent to a fertility clinic. Generally, doctors will only concord to look for a possible cause of miscarriages one time y'all accept had 3 in a row. Even after investigations, which in NHS centres tend to look for structural problems with the womb and for blood-clotting disorders, effectually one-half of people volition never be given a reason for their losses. There aren't even official guidelines on preventing miscarriage – but on its diagnosis and "management".

With no answers to your questions – why did it happen? Will it happen once more? – you are cut adrift in a sea of recommendations from women on Mumsnet, individual doctors, people offer fertility supplements, herbalists and nutritionists, and from cult best-sellers that promise to tell you how to improve the quality of your eggs. Information technology's been more than 40 years since embryologist Jean Purdy watched every bit a single-jail cell embryo in a petri dish divided into 2, and then four, and so viii cells that would become the world's first IVF baby. Humans have worked out how to arbitrate in order to create life in a lab, but not how to sustain it in the earliest weeks within the body. The stage betwixt conception and an ongoing pregnancy, visible on an ultrasound scan (at around half dozen weeks) is sometimes referred to every bit the "black box" of human evolution.

According to Prof Nick Macklon, medical director of the London Women'due south Clinic and an adept in miscarriage and early pregnancy, the reason in that location's been so little progress is that we've been asking the wrong questions. "We use the term 'recurrent miscarriage' as if it were a medical diagnosis, yet there isn't one single medical crusade," he said. Some women may have a claret-clotting disorder; for others, a contributing factor could be thyroid dysfunction. Many women who miscarry announced non to have an underlying wellness condition at all; instead, their bodies seem to be less able to discern what is and isn't a viable embryo. Withal studies of possible preventative treatments tend to recruit their subjects as if all recurrent miscarriages have the same crusade.

This, in Macklon's view, is likely to explain why several large, quality trials of possible treatments to reduce the run a risk of miscarriage, such every bit heparin (a claret thinner) and aspirin, as well as the hormone progesterone, have failed to bear witness any articulate benefit, and have subsequently been dismissed by the medical community. Some of these treatments may in fact work for some women, but, Macklon says, "because of the way the study is designed, information technology comes out every bit not working overall".

A related problem lies in the mistaken assumption that most (if non all) miscarriages happen considering the pregnancy was doomed to fail. In half of all miscarriages, the embryo will take a serious chromosomal abnormality that means it could never survive, but the other half are believed to exist salubrious embryos. Prof Siobhan Quenby, a consultant obstetrician at University Hospitals Coventry and Warwickshire, heads up a specialist dispensary into recurrent miscarriage, one of four centres that grade Tommy's National Middle for Miscarriage Research. The key question, she believes, is establishing whether someone is repeatedly losing chromosomally normal or abnormal pregnancies. "Everyone from their tertiary miscarriage onwards should accept their miscarriage tissue tested genetically," she said.

Yet access to genetic testing is patchy. Non all NHS hospitals can exercise this kind of testing on site. If someone miscarries at domicile, the onus is on them to collect a clean sample of the tissue and take it to their hospital within 24 hours. This may not be something they can do – or even know about.

Quenby is a celebrity in the world of recurrent miscarriage patients. Her name frequently crops up in the "miracle baby" stories that make the papers, with headlines such as "Baby joy for couple who lost 13 babies to miscarriages". Her particular area of involvement is how the lining of the womb behaves in early pregnancy – and how it might contribute to miscarriage. She is one of the authors of a study published in January 2020, which constitute that a repurposed diabetes drug, sitagliptin, could reduce the risk of miscarriage by boosting the number of stem cells in the womb lining. These cells are responsible for renewing the lining and reducing inflammation. "It's withal only a small airplane pilot trial, simply it is fantastically exciting," Quenby told me. "It's the offset time in a long fourth dimension that there's been a potential new drug treatment."

Quenby is convinced information technology's non so much the handling options that are lacking, but the will to try them. "It's the opposite of 'we can't do anything'," she said. "At that place are tons of things nosotros tin try now." Notwithstanding, as a miscarriage patient, you run upward against the dilemma that recurrent miscarriage is not a diagnosis in itself, and then the difficulty is in establishing which treatment is nigh appropriate to yous. Even with the help of the most motivated of doctors, there is going to be a degree of trial and error.

Many people volition be told, as we were, that the best treatment is no treatment – simply try again. This is what we did, merely to miscarry for a quaternary time. Nosotros were under the supervision of the recurrent-miscarriage clinic, all the same fifty-fifty afterward that fourth loss, the prescription remained the same: merely go on trying.

It took u.s. a year before we felt fix to roll the dice again. Soon after I started researching this piece, in November, I found out I was pregnant for the fifth time.

illustration of pregnant woman and male partner with scene around them falling apart
Illustration: Harriet Lee-Merrion

T o be pregnant again afterwards previous miscarriages is to live at the fork of ii alternative lives. You try to recall as picayune every bit possible about what'south going on inside your body, while, of course, thinking about information technology all the time. Alive or dead? Baby or miscarriage? In every possible scenario, you plan for the two outcomes. To a certain extent, you are forced to buy into both possibilities simultaneously. You cannot truly believe it will work out, but y'all have to proceed equally though you are significant anyhow, until a browse proves otherwise. Alive and dead. Schrödinger'southward foetus.

Yous treat yourself every bit your ain walking research study: a sample of ane. Perhaps you lot take a different brand of prenatal vitamin. Or you do different exercise. Y'all do no exercise at all. You drink less caffeine. You lot drink no caffeine at all. Y'all are more careful. Yous are less careful, because yous've been unimpeachably careful before and look where information technology got you. Mostly, though, you just wait.

Why hasn't miscarriage medicine moved faster or further? Why isn't in that location more certainty about what works and what doesn't? The first detailed depictions of a human embryo's development, from three weeks to four months, were produced by the German anatomist Samuel Thomas Soemmerring in 1799, and the images are remarkably similar to graphics used in week-by-week pregnancy apps today. Yet a precise schema of measurements to date the stages of early pregnancy – between 7 and 16 weeks – wasn't established in mod clinical exercise until 1973, with the advent of ultrasound imaging. We had put a homo on the moon before we could routinely meet, in real time, what was happening inside a adult female's womb.

Pregnancy research, in general, is underfunded. A recent research review, published in Jan 2020, found that for every £1 spent on pregnancy care in the NHS, less than 1p is spent on pregnancy research. "Compared to other areas – such as infertility – miscarriage has certainly lagged behind," said Arri Coomarasamy, who sees patients in both fields.

"Miscarriage gets a bad deal," agreed Hassan Shehata, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist, who runs the Centre for Reproductive Immunology and Pregnancy, in Epsom, Surrey. "For a first, there is no specialist training," he said. When you train as a gynaecologist, you lot can specialise in sub-fields such every bit infertility and IVF, simply there is no specific speciality in miscarriage, he explained.

At that place are as well applied difficulties to conducting studies. "Pregnancy is difficult to research as, by its nature, studying it might disrupt information technology," Nick Macklon told me. This ways y'all're often left with retrospective population data (easily skewed past multiple factors), or studying donated embryo or foetal tissue (tightly restricted for ethical reasons – and prohibited birthday by "personhood" laws in some parts of the US, which insist on burial or cremation of all pregnancy tissue).

Even when human trials of treatments are viable, at that place is the challenge of persuading women who are desperate to avoid another miscarriage to sign upwardly to a study in which they might exist given the placebo. As Ippokratis Sarris, a consultant in reproductive medicine and director of King's Fertility, a private fertility clinic in London, put it: "It'southward very difficult to do a proper trial – people desire to take something they think might work. How do you tell them they can't accept it until there is proficient bear witness?"

At present that I was meaning once more, there was one treatment I was desperate to try. Progesterone has long been the great hope of miscarriage research. This "pro-gestation" hormone is produced in higher quantities during pregnancy by a woman'south ovaries (and, later, by the placenta). It is essential throughout pregnancy and helps gear up the womb lining, although scientists don't nevertheless understand the precise mechanisms by which it does this. In May 2019, a large, multi-centre trial of progesterone, given in early pregnancy – the Prism trial – found that for women with a history of recurrent miscarriage who had started bleeding during their next pregnancy, taking progesterone fabricated a pregnant difference to the live nascence rate, compared with a placebo.

I was prepared to argue the toss for progesterone with my doctors this time effectually. I knew the new evidence didn't perfectly fit our circumstances. I wasn't bleeding in this pregnancy, for one thing. To my surprise, the female person doctor we saw at the clinic for our first appointment, in the outset month of this pregnancy, agreed to prescribe information technology without so much as a raised eyebrow. It was not the starting time time I accept asked nigh some speculative treatment, only it was the first fourth dimension the clinic had agreed.

As Dan and I joined the queue at the hospital pharmacy, tucked away in a grimy building in Paddington, I felt I was property on to something bigger than the printed prescription in my hand. For the first time, nosotros had something, after being told that in that location was nothing.

Then less than a week afterward, at 8 weeks significant, I started to bleed.


T here are therapies for miscarriage that have been available privately for well over a decade, yet are no closer to condign mainstream medicine or available on the NHS. Where questions remain over the prove, private clinics tin can go ahead and offer treatment anyway – something the NHS cannot do.

bubbles spot illustration
Analogy: Harriet Lee-Merrion

1 therapy bachelor at a scattering of individual clinics – lymphocyte immunisation therapy (LIT), in which a woman is given a transfusion of white claret cells from their male partner earlier she becomes pregnant – has been banned in the The states, outside of a inquiry setting. Such treatments vest to a field known as reproductive immunology, and stem from work in the 80s and 90s by an American obstetrician, Alan Beer, who once summed up his theory in the following way: "Effectively, women become series killers of their ain babies."

The idea is that miscarriage tin be caused by a hyper-vigilant immune system that misrecognises the symptoms of pregnancy as a threat. In these cases, handling may involve suppressing the immune system using steroids or intralipids (essentially an emulsion of soybean oil and egg yolk, given intravenously, sometimes referred to as the "mayonnaise" or "egg-yolk" drip). Clinics accuse upwardly to £50,000 for such treatments. All the same, all but one of the experts I spoke to expressed scepticism virtually their effectiveness.

Funding loftier-quality trials is particularly difficult when it comes to treatments that target the allowed system, considering, according to Quenby, in the past in that location has been a tendency to over-hype the results.

Quenby believes our understanding of miscarriage would ameliorate if we considered it as a public wellness issue, as we do stillbirth and neonatal deaths. Both of these are more common where at that place are high levels of social deprivation, and it's likely the same is true of miscarriage rates, likewise. Though, currently, hospital trusts are not required to report the rate in their area.

Simply similar periods, female person pain, the menopause and conditions such equally endometriosis, which too want for good inquiry and understanding, it's hard not to conclude that miscarriage suffers from a lack of knowledge and interest because it happens to female bodies. What's more than, the underlying assumption tends to exist that miscarriage is always down to something a woman's body is or isn't doing.

In 2019, researchers at Majestic College London found that partners of women who take had three or more miscarriages tend to take higher levels of damage to their sperm's DNA. The trial was small-scale, comparison the sperm of 50 men whose partners had had miscarriages with threescore men whose partners had non. The results volition need to exist replicated. And before any possible treatments can exist trialled, researchers demand to establish what causes such DNA damage.

However, Quenby said, "The fact that we're even looking at it is really of import." Traditionally, men and their contribution to the pregnancy have been largely left out of the picture. In the past three years, while I take been scanned and probed and pricked for multiple phials of claret, aside from completing a form outlining his basic medical history when we were referred to the recurrent-miscarriage clinic, Dan has not been required to so much as cough and say "ah".


West hen I discovered I was bleeding, I did a desperate search online for answers. I decided I was either having my fifth miscarriage – or, just possibly, the intermittent, chocolate-brown spotting was a side consequence of the progesterone. I knew I should telephone the recurrent miscarriage dispensary, or my GP, or try to get an date for a scan at my nearest early pregnancy unit. Merely I couldn't bear to. I was not ready to talk practicalities just even so, and there was no ane at the clinic to call for the sake of talking. Likewise, we were due to go back for a scan the following week.

In the following days, the haemorrhage didn't stop, only it didn't get worse, either. Still, I couldn't shake the thought that, at 8 weeks pregnant, this was the exact same point I had miscarried the terminal three times. Dan and I fabricated our contingencies. It was early December, and we were due to motion house in a few days, and we discussed how we would fit surgery around the move, if it turned out to be bad news. I bought sanitary pads and wine. We pretended we were sanguine. We pretended we knew how we would cope. "Nosotros're pros now," nosotros joked. I barely slept the nighttime before the date.

On 4 December, my mum came with u.s.a. to the hospital and managed to continue upwardly a steady patter about her cycling, her knitting and the roadworks on the A14 while we waited. I knew she wanted to distract me. Simply the only words my brain had space for were the ones I was convinced I was about to hear for a fifth fourth dimension: I'm so deplorable at that place is no heartbeat. I'm then sorry there is no heartbeat.

When nosotros were finally called in for the browse, I explained to the sonographer that I was anxious. That I'd been bleeding. I tried not to await at the print on the wall of the room – the same room we were in concluding time – of a red heart, printed in swirly faux-brushstrokes. I tried non to think what I thought last time: how fucking inappropriate that is. A middle, for when there is no heartbeat.

I lay down on the bed and unbuttoned my jeans. Dan held my hand. I was braced for the words: So sorry. So sorry. Except they didn't come up. The sonographer was telling the states that everything looked fine. She turned the screen towards united states, and she was pointing out the flickering heartbeat. She was telling u.s.a. that I was measuring in at nine weeks and one day. The babe was moving. And I was crying.


D id I dare to believe that the progesterone was actually working? The possibility loomed in my mind that our miscarriages really had been "merely" bad luck all forth. At to the lowest degree one of our losses was downward to a chromosomal abnormality known as a triploidy: substantially an actress ready of chromosomes. One cause of this is an egg being fertilised by two sperm at once – as random and unavoidable as that.

Nigh two weeks after it started, the bleeding waned and our clinic suggested it was time we transferred to our local hospital for antenatal care and the 12-week dating scan. (This is normally the first scan people accept on the NHS, at the end of the get-go trimester, and information technology's used to cheque the foetus's health and estimate the due appointment.) On the ane paw, this felt like an achievement – we had never made information technology this far before – but on the other, it meant leaving the relative security of the specialist dispensary, where everyone understands why you don't want to think further ahead than the next appointment.

Feeling similar fledglings pushed from the nest, we had to brave the official NHS booking-in appointment, which involved giving our medical histories to the local midwifery team and some routine screening tests. We take washed this twice earlier, during previous pregnancies, when we knew and worried less. Two days after the second i, I bled out the tiny embryo on our bed at home. I hadn't dared brand this particular appointment since.

We got our all-important appointment for the dating scan, a lilliputian over two weeks away – delayed slightly by the Christmas break. Time passed twitchily. Nosotros congratulated ourselves for not miscarrying on Christmas Eve, on Christmas Day, on Boxing Day.

On thirty Dec, six hours earlier the scan, I read a note from the hospital that said you have to pay £5 for a copy of the scan photograph. Fleetingly, I debated getting some cash out, but decided this would be jinxing things. At the hospital, I squeaked my name to the receptionist. We were early. This may take been our 12-week browse, but it had taken us 48 weeks of pregnancy to get here. I actually wasn't sure if I could look some other xx minutes.

I had my spiel prepared for the sonographer – "a bit anxious" … "iv miscarriages".

"Give thanks you for telling me," she said, as I lay downward. There was the briefest of pauses. "OK, here'south your baby."

Whereas in previous pregnancies there had merely been clangorous black on the ultrasound monitor, now there was wobbling movement; the grey outline of a caput and a tiny, round breadbasket – a waving, wondrous body of water creature emerging from the dark.

"They're a wriggler," the sonographer told us, smile. I gripped Dan'south hand and we watched as the baby – I volition try to call information technology a baby from at present on – somersaulted for us. For the first fourth dimension, we left an antenatal unit with a scan photo and stepped out into entirely new territory.

On 14 March, we hit 24 weeks, which is deemed the point of "viability" – that is, when a foetus is theoretically capable of surviving outside the womb. Any was going to happen to u.s. from now on, information technology would non be classified as a miscarriage. Keeping this baby alive would no longer exist down to my body alone. Should anything happen, doctors would have to at least attempt to intervene. These were non comforting thoughts exactly, but they were something.

Ten days later, the whole of the United kingdom went into coronavirus lockdown. The weekend we had quietly celebrated reaching viability besides turned out to exist the last weekend I would see anyone just my husband or a healthcare professional for a long fourth dimension.


T he initial days of solitude were softened by activity and grooming: batch-cooking, arranging deliveries, cancelling plans. I comforted myself past reading the official Covid-19 guidance from the Purple College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists over and over: "In that location is no evidence to suggest an increased risk of miscarriage … Pregnant women are still no more likely to contract coronavirus than the general population."

Slowly, though, as I watched the number of reported cases and deaths ascent, marooned on the sofa at home, fearfulness seeped under the door. Non a mean solar day has gone past, since finding out I was pregnant once again, that I have not worried that my baby might dice. But now, during a global pandemic, those nebulous anxieties hardened into something nameable. The shadow on the nursery wall had taken a solid shape.

I woke up ane dark in the first week of lockdown feeling hot, my pharynx tight. This is information technology, I thought – I've caught it. I had barely been outside for a fortnight, though I did get my hair cut a few days before lockdown was declared. And so the taunt went round and effectually in my head, as I stared at the ceiling unable to sleep: your baby could dice, and all for the sake of your split ends. In the rational light of day (and feeling fine), I concluded it had probably been heartburn.

The world shrank. I baked bread and planted herbs. I silenced notifications and deleted social media accounts from my phone. I tracked my daily steps and counted my baby'southward kicks using an app. Mixed in with the fear and stress of dubiousness, there was also a guilty kind of sadness for the things I would not become to practise – things I had dreamed of for and so long: a "last" holiday equally a couple, showing off my crash-land in my beginning maternity dress, meeting new "mum friends" for java.

People phoned to ask how we were coping, but information technology felt selfish to admit to such small sadnesses, when there were bigger worries: for my brother, who had to postpone his hymeneals; for my cousin, who is a nurse; for our four grandmothers, who all live lone. Then in that location were the worries of people I don't know, but who could so easily have been us: those who accept had their fertility handling cancelled, or who will be told they have miscarried during browse appointments they take had to attend alone, in lodge to protect other patients and NHS staff. At the fourth dimension of writing, hospitals were being advised not to offering extra scans in early pregnancy, even for people with a history of miscarriages.

On 17 April, week four of lockdown, I attended an date for a 28-week routine growth scan past myself, while Dan, following the new rules, waited in the car. A security guard at the door checked my name off a listing. The sonographer and midwife I saw wore masks and visors, while the doctor conducted my appointment from the opposite end of the consulting room. I projected my voice, similar a bad stage histrion: "No, no family history of diabetes", and then on.

On some days, it has felt as though the pandemic has brought my experience of pregnancy closer to the curve of normality. For so long, I had felt as if I was merely playing at pregnancy, like a small girl with a cushion up her jumper. I couldn't trust that I would get to do things other significant women have for granted. But and then, suddenly, no one else was going to antenatal classes, throwing baby showers or browsing section stores for the perfect pram either.

The temptation, when you get to where we are at present, all the same pregnant after and then many losses – and in the shadow of loss on a global scale – is to first talking almost miracles. But I don't believe in miracle babies any more than. I believe we should be able to put our religion in the testify, in knowledge of how our bodies work – or don't work. That waiting and hoping isn't enough. Fifty-fifty and so, as I sit here, in my fifth pregnancy, in the tertiary trimester, wearing my very first pair of maternity jeans, feeling our baby kick within me, information technology is hard not to consider it a wonder that any of u.s.a. gets to be here at all. Especially when there is yet so much we don't know.

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Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/may/05/my-four-miscarriages-why-is-losing-a-pregnancy-so-shrouded-in-mystery

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